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When you start hating yourself...

on Sat 28 Jul - 4:16
I have been crying all night tonight. I have a lot of little demons dancing around in my head.

Do any of you have such moments? And if so, what do you do? What do you focus on? What do you think about?

Ill be ok. But the process still gets me...

So do the memories.
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Sat 28 Jul - 5:12
Message reputation : 100% (1 vote)
Sorry you feel that way... I have those moments often, because I feel like my body will always eclipse my soul and no one ever really SEES me.
When that happens, I just allow myself to fully feel the anger. I'm not one of those people who gets better by bottling up or ignoring feelings. I need to move through them fully and come out on the other side. Different moments call for different solutions. For me some things that help are spirituality (searching for it on my own instead of buying into some existing religion). And knowing that no matter how strange someone's experience in life is, there will ALWAYS be at least one other person in the world who has once felt or is currently feeling exactly what that person is feeling, or something very close to it. Basically, finding another person who can empathize or has been through the same thing and then having a chat with them. Or writing things in a journal... getting really deep, really personal and spilling your heart out. Sometimes writing out the feelings helps process them and gives some relief.
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Sat 28 Jul - 8:44
Hi, Olek,

Yes, I have had many self-hating times in my life.

Blackroseheart has some good ideas.

Another idea is to get busy doing something else. Go for a walk, do some exercise, work on something.

And I think you were on to another answer elsewhere. Distance yourself from those self-hating thoughts. Realize you are having them and let them be.

Most of us, in one way or another, believe in a Supreme Being Who watches over us and cares for us. Ask Him to help you find peace. It might help to do a Google search for Bible verses about peace and find the ones that speak to you.

I’ll say a prayer that you find peace.

Best,
UN

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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Sat 28 Jul - 12:58
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Olek, my heart breaks for you. I'm dealing with a different emotion but the resulting inner turmoil is the same. Blackroseheart and UN both have great suggestions, but I wanted to add on to the idea of writing your thoughts down. That is indispensable for me. When my thoughts start taking over and the turmoil increases, I write down the emotions I'm feeling and then write out the logical thoughts that counter the emotions. It is very therapeutic because it shows that the emotions are just emotions, and takes the power away from them to rule my mind. I can then move forward and recognize these are just emotions and thoughts that I'm going to choose not to entertain, I'm going to wait for my body to make different hormones that make me feel differently and not worry about how I feel right at the moment. I hope that gives you some other ideas, and maybe you can PM someone on the forum as well when you are having those moments? I think the moral support and an understanding ear really helps as well. Take good care.
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Sun 29 Jul - 19:20
Usually, i am fine.  Sometimes, however, i just feel the need to get away from everyone, and let the dark thoughts roll in.  I need to be away from people because i don't want people distracting me with all their positive messages.  Those moments really are painful, but at some point, i manage to go through it all and it stops nagging at me.  

Happens less often nowadays. Maybe im just getting used to stuff.
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Mon 30 Jul - 13:54
Hi Olek,

I hope you are re-energized and feeling good now.
It is good that you have got a self to hate. Some people don't have a well enough -formed self, and so they can't really ever hate or love themselves properly. That would be frustrating.

It is not narcissistic to hate or love yourself sometimes and probably quite healthy and normal on certain occasions.
A sadistic or over-controlling parent or guardian in childhood might have made one's adult superego slightly more sadistic punishing and controling than normal. Some people could go on huge guilt trips over relative trifles, and even worse for a major stuff up so more self-understanding and self-compassion could be necessary reduce such self-inner directed criticism ( attacks) that can play on people's minds sometimes. Shrinks might be a little pricey, but are often a lot more experienced, objective, wise and helpful than family and friends.

Some people are genetically more inclined to OCD and addictive behaviour, so for them, a negative thought might go around and around in their head far more than with normal people. Getting addicted to excitement and adrenaline, for instance, might keep someone in a dangerous job, like taxi driving, where the heart can be racing for hours, in high speed traffic with lives at risk. A car crash could make things worse, leaving someone with PTSD with the complication of adrenaline addiction, depression and uncontrollable mood swings.
PTSD, (it has been claimed) can be cured with the right therapy in a few weeks or months if detected early enough.
Self medication with drugs for mental pain can be lethal. For me, the best therapy would be laughter, good music, talking to old friends and family, and best of all relaxing travel on holiday to places you want to visit. I hope this was not totally irrelevant to you. Best wishes, RM
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Mon 30 Jul - 15:39
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Mon 30 Jul - 15:50
Olek wrote:Sometimes, however, i just feel the need to get away from everyone, and let the dark thoughts roll in.  I need to be away from people because i don't want people distracting me with all their positive messages.

Olek, it sounds from this like you sometimes want to just go off and be alone to torture yourself with those dark thoughts. This doesn't sound positive or productive to me. Does it help you in some way that I don't understand?

Best,
UN

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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Tue 31 Jul - 4:54
Unowen17 wrote:
Olek wrote:Sometimes, however, i just feel the need to get away from everyone, and let the dark thoughts roll in.  I need to be away from people because i don't want people distracting me with all their positive messages.

Olek, it sounds from this like you sometimes want to just go off and be alone to torture yourself with those dark thoughts. This doesn't sound positive or productive to me. Does it help you in some way that I don't understand?

Best,
UN

I think its just me finally processing emotions i have ignored. I can ignore my own emotional reactions to things, but that doesnt exactly make them go away. Instead, it nags at me at the back of my mind.

I usually go through this process when i get home from deployment. I have a tendency to compartmentalize things, which is probably not good long term, but is often needed due to my job.
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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Tue 31 Jul - 9:16
Olek wrote:I think its just me finally processing emotions i have ignored.  I can ignore my own emotional reactions to things, but that doesnt exactly make them go away.  Instead, it nags at me at the back of my mind.  

I usually go through this process when i get home from deployment.  I have a tendency to compartmentalize things,  which is probably not good long term, but is often needed due to my job.

That’s understandable. After you’ve been through this, do those emotions about the things you’ve done or seen on deployment keep coming up, or do they get weaker?

Best,
UN

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Re: When you start hating yourself...

on Wed 1 Aug - 0:27
Message reputation : 100% (1 vote)
Unowen17 wrote:
Olek wrote:I think its just me finally processing emotions i have ignored.  I can ignore my own emotional reactions to things, but that doesnt exactly make them go away.  Instead, it nags at me at the back of my mind.  

I usually go through this process when i get home from deployment.  I have a tendency to compartmentalize things,  which is probably not good long term, but is often needed due to my job.

That’s understandable. After you’ve been through this, do those emotions about the things you’ve done or seen on deployment keep coming up, or do they get weaker?

Best,
UN

They usually get weaker, or go away for the most part.  The simplest analogy i can come up with is getting the check engine light come on in a vehicle.  You can usually ignore it for a while, but it is not a good idea to do so for very long, and that light won't go away until you address it.  Getting it fixed does not mean it won't ever come on again due to another issue later on, but if you really want the peace of mind that comes from knowing your engine is good, you have to address it.  

I don't always know what is bothering me, and i don't always know why the check engine light is on.  Those dark moments are mostly me trying to figure out what is actually bothering me and coming to terms with it.
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