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Jane Doe
Jane Doe
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 0:34
Message reputation : 100% (3 votes)
I've had to take some time away from the forum these last few weeks. I've been experiencing emotional difficulties because of the difficult and traumatic relationship I had with my mother when she was alive. I thought I'd 'got over it' years ago, but lately I've been remembering stuff I must have blocked out, in one instance of remembering I had to calm myself down from a panic attack out of the blue. I won't go into details here, it's off -topic for the forum, and some things are private, but I wanted you all to know, I have not abandoned you all, despite my absence for a month. I ask you bear with me for a little while longer, I will be back and continue my duties and resonsibilities... I just can't handle everything right now. I wish I could put a firm timetable on it, but I can't. I will be properly back as soon as I am able to be. I just want to apologise and say that I love and appreciate this whole community, and that with luck it won't take me too much longer. I am resiliant, and I am a fighter. I just.... I can't give you my best right now, as much as I want to, and as much as you deserve my best. I feel so guilty because I haven't been here, I wanted to tell you all why because you all deserve an explanation from me.

Admins and Mods: You've all done an excellent job in my absence. I hope to be back with you as soon as I feel a little better. Thank you for all that you do Smile


Last edited by Jane Doe on Sat 21 Sep - 0:35; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : made it an announcement rather than a normal post)
Consanguinamory
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 1:22
Hey glad to see you’re back. And don’t worry, take all the time you need. Smile
Unowen17
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 1:45
Hey, Jane, good to hear from you. I’d been a bit concerned. Hope you can sort out your feelings about your mother and come back to us soon. And, if you want to talk privately, you know where to find us. We’ll continue to hold down the fort for as long as you need.

Best,
UN

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AbeSarah
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 2:38
Message reputation : 100% (1 vote)
Hi Jane, Thanks for your note. I had been wondering why you had been pretty quiet lately I am so sorry you are not feeling well. Please take good care of No.1 Rest assured you are in our hearts and prayers. Don't worry about 'the ship.' It is 'on course' and you have a good crew. Wishing you a nice restful break and a good recovery. Best! RM
FullMarriageEquality
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 6:36
Message reputation : 100% (1 vote)
Thanks for sharing that. I know I speak for the group when I say we miss you, want you to do what you need to be better, and will be happy to have you back when you’re ready.

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CelesChere
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 10:42
Message reputation : 100% (1 vote)
Take all the time you need
Unowen17
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sat 21 Sep - 10:46
And you know that I cut out from KS for several months when some emotional issues became too much for me to bear. So you’re not alone in that. Smile

Best,
UN

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Every now and then, an ally can say a few words, the right words, and change someone’s life for the better.
Jane Doe
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sun 22 Sep - 0:07
Message reputation : 100% (3 votes)
Thanks all of you for your kindness. I am not used to dealing with stuff like this, I normally file things in the back of my head, bury them and ignore them by copious distractions. All my life I have had to be strong, I rarely let my guard down and I have always tried to be the best human being I can be. I realize in some ways, taking this approach I have put others before me, which is good, but have ignored by own issues and problems, which is bad and has lead me to where I am now. I somehow feel selfish focusing on myself now, but I know I need to because if I do not, then I cannot continue to function normally. What I am trying to get over is years of emotional and physical abuse. Mum was also violent towards dad, and kept him trapped in the marriage by threatening him she would have him killed or kill him herself... and believe me she would have done it. She once told me if ever he decided to leave, she would kill him with a sharp spear of ice, and that the weapon would melt and leave no evidence. A plan as cold as the ice itself. Thank God she never carried this plan through, he stayed with her until she died.... and he was released from that. I cannot fathom how anyone could treat such a gentle natured and kind man as my father in that way. He never stuck up for himself, even when she hurled objects at him and threatened him with a screwdriver. The one time he did, he pushed her onto the sofa and ran, and then she went around to all her friends saying he had beaten her up, when all he did was push her away so he could escape her violence. I grew up watching this behaviour, and being hit by her whenever my performance or behaviour was under par. I grew up in a house where I was constantly afraid, and where others around me were too. My siblings also suffered, and both have suffered depression and anxiety.

Damn it, I thought I had got over it, that I was going to be okay. I guess I am not as okay as I thought I was. When I was younger, I dealt with my anxiety with copious amounts of beer which seemed to ease the symptoms. But the fix was only temporary. Then I stopped boozing (don't get me wrong, I still drink, but in moderation), and began to immerse myself in video games and fantasy universes, namely star trek as a form of escape. I buried my feelings as deeply as I could, and the memories, out of sight, out of mind... but that only works for so long.

This is what leads me to where I am now, I am a woman in my late 30s, still at times feeling like that scared little girl I once was, I am unsure of my worth at times, despite telling myself every day I am useful and a good friend to many. I am so very tired of the internal battle I wage, I try at each turn to be the best I can be, to help as many people as I can... but no matter what or how much I do, it never feels like enough. Now even my ability to help all of you is being robbed from me by my own damn emotions.

You're all in my heart, I just wanted you all to know why the absence, and what I am dealing with. I have taken the time to participate in a forum for adult survivors of child abuse, and many there understand better because they've dealt with these same issues. Obviously they have no idea of my existence here, many of the members there are also survivors of sexual abuse by relatives, so I cannot relveal some parts of who and what I am, but for the purposes of getting over physical and emotional abuse, this is helping a lot. I am feeling stronger than I was a short while ago.... but I have more work to do.

Thank all of you for your patience and understanding. It means a lot to me that I can speak here and be heard, and be a human being and not just one of your leaders. AbeSarah, you're right, I have a good crew, and your captain will be well again in due time, she just needs to focus on getting better for a while. I am reminded of something Tuvok from Star Trek Voyager once said 'The crew will not benefit from the leadership of an exhausted captain'... he is so right, and so utterly logical, as Vulcans are. I identify strongly with Captain Janeway, her mission was to bring her crew home, and in a sense, this is what I wish to do here, to bring you all home so we all are accepted for what we are. She is one of my role models, fictional as she is, she is a source of great strength to me.

UN, you need not worry about me, I will take care of myself as I always have, and I will be back.... thank you so much. You took time out when you needed, I never expected to need the same... but I do. Our reasons for the time out are very different, but still necessary. I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your efforts, and your time. Your services to us are invaluable, and I consider you a good friend, I wanted you to know that I am grateful for all you do for us here.

Keith, I'll be back before you know it, I just need a little more time to process things.

Sleepingrain... I know you're still around, but thank you for listening to me and my doubts and stuff. I appreciate your friendship and your understanding. It is in part thanks to you that I realize I can be both a leader, and a flawed and vulnerable human being. Your empathy understood me, and made me seriously think. I have tried to be larger than life, and in some ways maybe I am, but I am human, I still have flaws and problems, and I should not be afraid to admit this to others, even to those who look up to me.

In short, I want to be the kind of leader you all deserve, and that means I have to be honest with myself also, to admit my shortcomings and my problems and deal with them. You all deserve my very best, and when I am better I will do so. Thank all of you very much for your kindness towards me, I appreciate it from each of you Smile
Unowen17
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Sun 22 Sep - 2:31
Jane,

Don’t fight your demons. Instead, hug that scared little girl. She’s generating those demons to protect you from something worse.

I know this from personal experience. I’ve had my demons too. The only thing that helped was to hug my terrified five-year-old boy.

I’ll pray for your healing. We’ll carry on. And my Wire and Proton are always open for you if you need them.

Best,
UN

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Every now and then, an ally can say a few words, the right words, and change someone’s life for the better.
Jane Doe
Jane Doe
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https://consanguinamory.wordpress.com

My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Tue 24 Sep - 0:45
Unowen17 wrote:Jane,

Don’t fight your demons. Instead, hug that scared little girl. She’s generating those demons to protect you from something worse.

I know this from personal experience. I’ve had my demons too. The only thing that helped was to hug my terrified five-year-old boy.

I’ll pray for your healing. We’ll carry on. And my Wire and Proton are always open for you if you need them.

Best,
UN

But... how? This is what I do not understand.... People say about parenting their inner child and stuff, but I don't feel like I have one! I can act childish when it is required (like at a party), but I do not normally allow that part of me an outlet. The child needs discipline and boundaries. I could never allow an inner child to overtake me... I am the adult in control.
Unowen17
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

on Tue 24 Sep - 2:34
You do have an inner child, Jane. She’s the one who’s generating your demons, and she’s doing it to protect you from being hurt worse. Here’s how you can talk to her.

Picture yourself when you were a scared little girl. From the time when you and your dad were so afraid of your mother. When there was no safety anywhere.

Now picture your adult self with her. Be her guardian, protector, and friend. Give her the warm hug she needs so badly. Tell her it’s all right, that you’re there for her, that you’re the strong friend she needed so much, that you’ll never hurt her or let her be harmed.

And give her that hug, as often and as long as she needs.

She’s still there, inside of you. And she needs you.

Best,
UN

_________________
Every now and then, an ally can say a few words, the right words, and change someone’s life for the better.
Unowen17
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

Yesterday at 23:35
Bump... I see you're back on, Jane! Please check your PM.

Best,
UN

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Every now and then, an ally can say a few words, the right words, and change someone’s life for the better.
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My apologies for my lack of presence lately Empty Re: My apologies for my lack of presence lately

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