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Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 11 Dec - 1:14
Okay, I'll start:

A man was out at night walking his dog at Halloween, and he heard a banging noise behind him, he turned around but saw nothing, but he noticed his dog was beginning to become agitated. The banging noise became louder as he walked along the road, and when he turned around again he saw a coffin was following him. The dog completely freaked out and ran off by this point, and the man began running home. The coffin began chasing him. The moment he got inside he locked and barricaded the door. At this point, his wife, who had been inside watching TV asked him what the hell was going on, he explained that a coffin was chasing him and so he and his wife both ran upstairs to the bathroom and tried to lock themselves in there... just in case the front door didn't hold. After banging and crashing for around ten minutes, the coffin broke through the door and began banging it's way upstairs. Predictably, it broke straight into the bathroom. The man began whacking it with a towel, but it had no effect. The woman threw bottles of shampoo and bars of soap at it, and again nothing happened. In desparation, the man smashed open the medicine cabinet, and threw a box of strepsils at it, then the coffin stopped.
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What does the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both go around Uranus looking for Klingons
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Did you hear about the dyslexic jihadist, she mixed up her anthrax with her tampax and blew up the wrong twat
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Okay that's three off the top of my head, feel free to add more Smile

Jane
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 11 Dec - 7:29
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He'd lay awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 11 Dec - 7:44
Here's some incest jokes for you.

What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?

A woman who can outrun her pappy and both her brothers.

---------------

Q: What do people in Kentucky think of sexual harassment?

A: They think it's when your cousin won't put out.

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Q: What's a girl in the Ozarks say when she's about to lose he virginity?

A: "Get off me daddy...you're crushing my smokes"

----------------

If a couple from Tennessee get divorced...are they still brother and sister?

-----------------

Q: What do families in the Adirondacks do to stay warm during winter?

A: Each other.
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 11 Dec - 18:48
a joke my czech friend told me:

Why is Stalin buried only up to his waist in shit (in hell) but Hitler up to his head?
Stalin stood on the shoulders of Lenin.
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 12 Dec - 0:15
How do you get 100 pikachu on a bus?
You Pokemon
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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to attempt a coverup of it's going out, one to pass legislation on lightbulb changing, one to bill the treasury for the new one, and another to blame the opposition for it going out in the first place
------------
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 12 Dec - 14:25
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping in a forest. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up and nudges Watson awake.

"Watson, wake up. Look up at the sky. Tell me what you see."

"Well," Watson says, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you, Watson?"

Watson thinks hard for a few moments, then says:
"Astrologically, it tells me we're in Cancer, about midway through the month of July. Geographically, it tells me that we're facing north north-east. Chronologically, it tells me that it's about three hours before dawn, and spiritually it tells me that we're all a very small part of a very large cosmos, and that all our worries and troubles are insignificant compared to the grand scheme of the Creator."

"That's all very good, Watson," Holmes says, "but the first thing it should tell you is that somebody stole our tent!"
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 12 Dec - 14:49
My aunt Henrietta thinks she's a chicken. We'd take her to a psychiatrist, but we need the eggs.

I took a survey and discovered I was bicephalous. I'm of two minds about that.

I took a survey and discovered I was a bison. I don't believe it. It's total bull.

I took a survey and discovered I was a bivalve. I'd better just clam up about that.

Preacher: "The good news is that you're going to Heaven."
Doctor: "The bad news is that you're going on Thursday."

UN


Last edited by Unowen17 on Wed 13 Dec - 0:25; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 12 Dec - 15:04
OtherHans wrote:Here's some incest jokes for you.
Necrophilia is dead boring. Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

UN
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 12 Dec - 15:20
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Jane Doe wrote:How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to attempt a coverup of it's going out, one to pass legislation on lightbulb changing, one to bill the treasury for the new one, and another to blame the opposition for it going out in the first place.

I've got good news, and great news!

The good news is that we're going to pay for all these government programs by soaking the rich.

The great news: Congratulations! You're rich!

UN

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Sun 17 Dec - 1:51
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Ad appearing in the personals section of the Atlanta Journal:

Atlanta Journal wrote:Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play, also long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-yyy-zzzz and ask for Daisy.

15,000 men from all over the country found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society. Daisy was an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.

UN
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 29 Jan - 12:30
I'd like to digress from the topic of consanguinamory and speak for a moment about sadonecrobestiality. But that would be beating a dead horse.

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 5 Feb - 20:59
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving together to a physics conference, running late. A highway patrolman stopped them. 'Do you have any idea how fast you were going?' he asked Heisenberg. 'No, but I know where I am,' he replied. Suspicious, the cop began searching the car. 'Hey, did you guys know there's a dead cat in your trunk?' Schrodinger, answered, 'Ah! Now we do.'
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Tue 17 Apr - 8:53
During a man’s funeral service, his widow drops a check into his coffin.

“What’s that for?” asks another mourner.

The widow answers, “He wrote in his will that he wanted to be buried with all his money. If he can cash it, he can have it!”

UN

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Wed 25 Apr - 21:38
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

UN

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Wed 4 Jul - 2:15
Little known historic fact: England has a Fourth of July.

And a Fifth.

And a Sixth... Smile

UN

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Sat 7 Jul - 19:59
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I got diagnosed as colourblind the other day.

It came completely out of the purple.

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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

on Mon 9 Jul - 5:49
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!!" "That's OK" the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular" she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
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Re: Jokes in this thread please :)

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