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Introduction

on Sat 6 Aug - 18:55
Hello everyone, I'm Hannah. I am a university student studying English and writing and hope to go on to graduate school. I'm 22 and have been in a warm loving relationship with my Dad who I reconnected with when I was twelve. I would particularly like to talk with other young women who have a similar relationship and to share my poems and stories about my experiences!
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Re: Introduction

on Sat 6 Aug - 22:02
Welcome aboard Hannah, I've upgraded your account so you can see and participate in all forums. You're amongst friends here, and you will certainly be able to find others who have been in a relationship with their dad... I'm one for a start Smile My story is on my website, here's the link:

https://consanguinamory.wordpress.com/about-me/
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Re: Introduction

on Sun 7 Aug - 2:34
Welcome!
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Re: Introduction

on Wed 10 Aug - 0:28
Welcome !!
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Re: Introduction

on Thu 11 Aug - 23:28
welcome hannahl, we're glad to have you here!
I love literature, it would be lovely to hear your poems if you ever feel like sharing them with me
oh but again, welcome and much love
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Re: Introduction

on Fri 12 Aug - 2:50
I'm sure you'll make your dad proud when you graduate. Welcome!
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Re: Introduction

on Fri 12 Aug - 16:10
Thank you for your welcome messages! I would like to post some of my poetry and stories but am not sure how and where to do that. Would appreciate instructions. Thanks Hannah
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Re: Introduction

on Fri 12 Aug - 21:54
If the subject of the poetry is related to consanguinity, make a thread in the media section. If it's not related, make it in off topic.

You should note that I can be pretty critical when it comes to fiction and poetry. Post them at your own risk. Wink
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Re: Introduction

on Sat 13 Aug - 13:31
Here is a poem I would like to share from my own experience. Would appreciate your comments and feedback.
Thanks! Hannah

Leaving

Leaving for college
sleep away camp with grades
joked my Dad
to hide the ache he felt
at my departure

I walked through the trailer
one last time
past the double bed
we shared
in cold and Summer’s heat

Perhaps you’ll meet a boy
perhaps I will
I said wondering
how a normal life
might be

We promised to let
life proceed
as if we hadn’t shared
what we shared
untie our souls

We talked of course
how are you
and you
the need
unspoken

The buzzer
a visitor
Dad in the lobby
dinner he said
his eyes said more

We pretend to search
for a place to eat
by silent assent
we found a room
hold me please!
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Re: Introduction

on Sun 14 Aug - 4:59
The content of the poem is good. I definitely felt the tension and emotion in it.

The constructive criticism I will give involves word choice. I can tell that this poem is freestyle, which means that traditional poetry rules can be ignored. However, I believe a few key changes here and there would allow for some of the phrases to flow more organically.

For example:
"joked my Dad"

I'd change it with "joked with my dad".

Another example:
"We talked of course
how are you
and you
the need
unspoken"

I'd alter it to this:

"We talked of course
how are you
Good and you
the need we had
Left unspoken"

You may disagree, but I find that in this alteration the words flow better.

I've spoken with professional poets before, and they tell me that they often revise their poems as many as twenty time before they feel it's right.

I hope you found this helpful. Also, I think further posts regarding poetry should go in the Creative Writing Discussion forum. Happy Writing! Smile
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Re: Introduction

on Sun 14 Aug - 7:15
It said what you wanted to say without being overt about saying it; that sort of balance is quite nice. And the content feels like days gone by, memories and retrospection. I've not much to say in the way of constructive criticism (that's not my strong spot), though what jonbob mentioned seems to flow as well.
Thank you very much for sharing it!
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Re: Introduction

on Sun 14 Aug - 8:56
Beautiful poem Smile If you like, you can copy and paste it to the creative writing section I've made on the forums, people can post poems there as well as stories if they want to.
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Re: Introduction

on Sun 14 Aug - 11:03
Thank you for your feedback!
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Re: Introduction

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