Introduction

Hello! You can call me Harlow. I'm 19, nonbinary (they/them), and stumbled across consanguinamory as a concept recently in a search for something else, went down a rabbit hole, and came out of it realizing I've probably had feelings for one of my first cousins (he's 20) for a while now and just hadn't realized it/pushed it down because of the stigma. I'm still dealing with that little piece of my mind that wants to beat me to a pulp over any thought of it, but that part's fading as I read and think on things more, and this all answers so many questions I never had a reasonable answer to before. I don't intend to pursue anything with him, at least not unless a bunch of things take some dramatic turns, so right now I'm looking to talk to people, understand my feelings better, and be able to keep an eye on how I'm acting in order to hopefully avoid any awkwardness - lol
I'm happy to have found this community, and I'm looking forward to talking with you all - you seem like a friendly bunch!

Welcome to Kindred Spirits, Harlow! Interesting how having feelings for a relative, and admitting them to yourself, can stand your world on end, isn’t it?

Are you free to act on your feelings for your cousin if he’s interested, and is he free to have you act on them?

I’ve upgraded your membership. Hope you’ll join in the discussions and let us help you sort out your feelings for your cousin.

Stay safe,
UN

Thanks!

Free in terms of "free will"? Sure, we have each other added on a bunch of socials, so if I were able to build up the nerves to say something I very much could.
Free in terms of "free of repercussions"? Both of our respective chunks of the family tree are very Christian and in tune with "modern values" - that is to say, I doubt anyone would approve of even knowing I have the feelings in the first place, and we're all very close. I know that hasn't stopped a lot of people, but at least as of right now the feelings are mostly just a warm and fuzzy feeling + wanting to be around him, so I'm comfortable waiting and just enjoying the ride of having feelings until I've at the very least sorted out some of my own problems in relation to romance in general. There's also the fact that, again, our two chunks of the family are very close. We live near each other, help each other with things, and often talk to each other and meet up for holidays and whatnot. I'll go a little more into detail in a post in one of the protected areas, but the point is, if I said or did something and he didn't like it, he could always just mention it to someone else in the family and the word would get to my parents (who I live with) within a couple of days.

Uh, neither. Free in terms of free from commitments that would prevent it, if your cousin felt the same way about you. Such as commitment to monogamous marriage to someone else on either your part or your cousin’s.

Stay safe,
UN

Oh, sorry. I guess I should've asked what you meant first.

I'm not in a relationship, and I know he broke up (on good terms, from what I hear) with the girlfriend that I had heard about him having, but given that there's other issues in the family as of recently that have caught everyone's focus I haven't heard much else on the matter in the last few months.
Distance is more of a problem, I don't know if he's moved out because, again, communication about anything but the aforementioned issues is sort of limited, but I at least know that during the school year he and I are at colleges a couple hours apart.
So if he did feel the same, and if at the point in time when he said so I was ready for a relationship (I'm currently not, I was in one with a friend that we just recently ended on good terms because my own inhibitions were getting in the way), the issue would mostly be whether he is in fact in a relationship I haven't heard about yet. And there's also the fact my parents think distance is what killed his first relationship, so that would also pose a problem.

For now, I'm mostly just looking back on and processing feelings I've had for years but just pushed down before now.

Welcome aboard!