the perfect intro or a complete trainwreck

I assume it will be the last, because that is how i feel for decades.

Hello everybody. *staring at blinking cursor*
My name is David, age 34, engaged to a beautiful woman and a dad of 1 son. My current family situation is pretty much irrelevant when talking about GSA, but we aren't against it as long no minors are involved. My best friend his mom and dad are 1st cousins, and happily married for ages. That, and the reason i landed here, are the only 'experiences' with GSA. My own experience has a little more dark tint to it, and because i read the rules, i will say right now that i am not involved in a relationship more then that "she's just my mom as of now"

To the point and i don't know if i am allowed to say this, but i will just say: at a very young age, i have been molested by my mom. I will not go into details, but at the time i didn't see any harm in it, and still think it was fairly innocent. But still, 30 years later, i think about one particular moment every single day. Not long, but still every day. Again i don't see it as a bad memory, and because of that, people (when i had the courage to tell them) tried to convince me it was just a dream or something, but because of that one moment and some other things i don't supposed to know i know for sure it did happen.

I do have a 'thing' for my mom, but beside the fact she is still happily married to my dad, and i have a family too, it isn't worth the risk to bring up the subject and ask what happened 30 years ago, what her intentions were, etc. She did make a few moves back when i was 20 or so, but acted overly disgusted on other 'moments' like walking in on me on a bad time. Double signals, and that is how it ever has been all my life with my mom.

Because i don't know if i should be angry at my mom, confront her,  talk to her, whatever, and the fact i thought of myself as a 'bad person' because i didn't hate it, but kind of enjoyed it, i tried to self medicate, but that made it so much worse, almost to the point wrecking everything and just confront her with it.

Sorry for my rambling and if i came to the wrong place, i completely understand. i just had to write it off me.

David.

Hi, David, welcome to KS. You are very brave for coming here.

First, you’re allowed to say whatever’s on your mind. That’s what this place is for.

I do feel for you. It’s an incredibly tough situation to be in.

Unfortunately, KS isn’t set up as a support site for those who were sexually molested below the age of consent. And it absolutely does not advocate sexual contact between adults and minors.

I’ve tried to think of a magic question that I could ask you that would make it okay to admit you, but I can’t. Sadly, if I were an admin, I’d have to decline to grant you full access to the forum. (And right now, I thank my lucky stars that I am not. I would love to be wrong on this.)

Since you used the word “molested,” it’s clear that whatever sexual contact your mother made with you was not appropriate for your age, regardless of whether you thought it was harmless or enjoyable. I’d urge you to seek professional help or another forum for molestation survivors.

ED: Some suggested resources for incest survivors:

http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/child-abuse-and-neglect?gclid=CPa5qbmcxM4CFQGsaQodB-sP9A
https://www.safehorizon.org/get-help/child-abuse/
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6176075/k.3ACE/Resources_for_Survivors_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
https://www.rainn.org

Thanks to sleepingrain for finding these.

I am very sorry and I wish you peace in resolving those issues.

Best,
UN

@Admins: Please nuke this post if I’ve called it wrong.

Thank you very much, for being open with yourself like this. You ARE allowed to say it.
There's so much more to say about what you've experienced. I don't know if we're qualified, though. If nothing else though, it *is* worth the risk asking her. I understand worrying for your family. They're WHY something should be done. What your experiences where, I don't know, they're different for everybody. But, even if you don't feel your mum violated you, she couldn't have known that. Your son's safety concerns me most.
I believe people can change. Sometimes better, sometimes not. Whether she's who you knew when you were young, I don't know. Hopefully she's not.
I'd very much like if other admins said their peace here too, if possible. Until then, whathaveibecome, here are some links:

http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn/child-abuse-and-neglect?gclid=CPa5qbmcxM4CFQGsaQodB-sP9A
https://www.safehorizon.org/get-help/child-abuse/
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6176075/k.3ACE/Resources_for_Survivors_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
https://www.rainn.org

Rambling or not, you didn't bother me. People shouldn't be alone. If you feel there's someone you know, in-person, you could confide in... it may be better for you. If not, and that's totally understandable, there's volunteer groups which host websites (like those) where you can talk with someone anonymously about what happened. A stranger yes, but a stranger who cares. I don't have the link right now, but when I find it I'll add it here for you.
There's SO much more to say about this, but...
Please take care, and let me know how you feel about this.

David,

Nobody can tell you how you should feel. Your feelings are your own.

It sounds like your mother was conflicted about her behavior.

If she was doing things she shouldn't, there is a good chance your father knew on some level. So if you are upset at all with her, consider he may also have known and didn't intervene.

Even if you were to feel entirely positive about your experiences, I'd say it is a bad idea to leave your child or any child in her unsupervised care. What may be enjoyable to one person can be traumatizing to another. Children count on their parents to protect them and children should be raised to be independent adults, not subject to have their body used when they don't have the power to refuse.

i want to thank all the people that had a look at my post and of course the ones who responded so much!
It feels good to be heard, and not being judged you know.

since it happened such a long time ago, i have seen pretty much every website regarding this subject, some good, some i wished i never visited.
Though i really appreciate the links posted here, i pretty much heard everything from people what is written there "trying to help me",, and to be honest, the shit some people have been through on there, makes me feel even worse (in a 'wtf am i complaining and whining about' kind of thing).

I will respond a bit more later on, (have to do dad stuff and all :-)

Anyway to all of you, thank you very much!

You’re welcome, David. Glad we can at least offer you a friendly and un-judgmental ear.

You’re right, no matter where you are, there is always someone worse off than you. Which does not take anything away from the conflictedness you are feeling.

Your mom did something violent to your sexuality without your consent. Have a look at Jane Doe’s blog entry on the consanguinamory spectrum: https://consanguinamory.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/is-it-my-orientation-or-not/ It seems to me that she pulled you off Regular and up the spectrum somewhere, so that now you have an unmet need for intimacy with her. A single sexual contact can do that. Regardless of how you feel about that act, it was not the act of a parent who put her child’s welfare above her own.

Maybe she didn’t have enough self-control to keep from doing it. In any case, it was not an act of love, but one of self-gratification. She robbed you of the choice to decide for yourself. Becoming sexually intimate with a close relative is not like choosing whether to go out on a date with one girl versus another. It’s a very serious choice with very serious consequences. But you should have been allowed to make the choice.

We have some moms here who denied themselves for years until their sons were able to make their own choices, rather than robbing them of the choice. And I’m sure there are many more who aren’t here, who kept their attraction to their sons secret for all of their lives. I know how hard it is to keep such a secret for years, decades, a lifetime. It’s tough to live with unrequited desire when it’s wrong to satisfy it. But it is possible.

I probably can’t add too much to what sleepingrain and FME have already said. But maybe I can ask some good questions. Why do you feel that the responses you got on the other sites were unsatisfactory? What sort of responses were most satisfactory for you? Why did you give up on them and come here?

If any of these questions makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you’re uncomfortable answering in public, it’s your right not to answer, though I’d encourage you to at least think of the answers.

It’s clear you’ve been around the block a time or two with your difficulty. If you can help us sort out the good sites, we’d appreciate your recommendations for others in the future.

I’ve rambled too much. Looking forward to your response later.

Best,
UN

David,

I'm really sorry to hear this has happened to you... You say you're 34, and this happened 30 years ago: You were just four years old, little more than a toddler. To me that is absolutely shocking. You may not have felt traumatized at the time, but a child so young could definitely not consent to any sexual activity, or even understand what that means on a very basic level. Molested is the right word. Your mothers responsibility was to look after you, not to use you as a sex toy... I can't even comprehend how anyone can do what she did.

Have you told your fiance what happened? If you haven't, then you could consider telling her, she may be able to give you support while you work through this.

I fully understand you worrying about bringing it up in case it upsets people in the family, but you do have the right to confront her about what happened, to ask her WHY, even if nothing else. Just be prepared though that she may not give you a straight answer, or she may deny it ever happened (that sometimes happens when victims of sexual abuse confront their abusers). Whatever you do, just don't let her look after your son unsupervised. Child molesters are opportunistic predators, so it's best not to provide her with that opportunity. Also, it may be worth having a chat with your dad, to see what, if anything he knew. He may have suspected but been in denial, that happens sometimes, he may have been oblivious if he was always out at work, or he may have known. Without knowing your parents we can't say which is most likely.

I also feel you'd be better off finding a survivors forum, none of us here are qualified therapists and we don't want to inadvertently give you poor advice. This forum is a support forum for people who are or who have been involved in GSA or incest between consenting adults (and the relationships we support are those which started when all parties are 18 or older), and for our allies. That said, I am glad you felt you could reach out to us and get whats on your mind off your chest, I hope you found that helpful even if nothing else.

Now, obviously I've noticed you've visited some sites already, were these survivors sites? I realize some other peoples stories may be worse than yours, but that doesn't trivialize what happened to you and how you feel about it. Your feelings are your own.

Keeping my note short, so you don't have so much to reply to.
Here's another website which could be helpful, if you feel talking with others helps you:
http://blahtherapy.com/