ally, and someone envious of what I wanted for many years without knowing it

Hello everyone.
My age is near 24, and now I am a history student.
My sister is seven older than me, and several time, I slept in the same bed without nothing happening apart from cuddling. I had a terrible relationship for as long as a I remember, because of an obvious jealousy from her, jealousy for the parents' attention and love, jealousy because my father wanted a boy skilled in math, and I was. But my parents were terrible in their role too, so from the age of 8 maybe, I became increasingly antisocial, anti-everything. Because something was lacking in me... I read all Marx, W.Reich, Freud, Buddha, etc. Toward my 14, I realized I had clear homosexual tendencies beside my heterosexual one, though I waited (as if I wanted too, by the way !) to be 19 to start having a love life. At age 18, when she was coming home (she lived on her own), I wanted to be closer to here physically, it was quite awkward, but when you lack affection to that point, it is hard to resist and easy to rationalize.
I understood at 19 what I waited from here at that time and from long ago too, was affection, including physical affection.
In a way, thanks to that, I developed myself quite a bit. But, it's still true, that I would have suffered considerably less if I have had her embrace long ago, and she wouldn't have suffered either, for she never has been able to suit herself in a lasting relationship, nor even a short one... I discussed that with her, and she rarely finds pleasure with men. It just doesn't work, most of the time. No chemistry. And knowing she has also feeling for women, she never got the guts to act out and swing that way for good.

So, now I study history, and the nature of love and sexuality. Thanks to the person ( an old guy) I met at 19, which initiated me. I still live with him, and though my personality is still terrible (family legacy...), I found meaning and purpose to my life, and the means to change the world, though not in one week. I might not have been turned bisexual, if I had a relationship with my sister, so in a way, pain does indeed make you evolve, or so it seems !
Long live sibling incestuous relationships.

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